Am I Safe?

One of the most difficult aspects of dealing with any sort of chronic health issue is managing the mental and emotional rollercoaster that accompany it. There are days that I feel healthy - full of energy and vitality - and then days where I feel terrible and bereft. Days where I feel like I’ve conquered my health issues; that I’ll never feel sick again, and then days when I’m hit by a new symptom or a new infection, and I spiral emotionally as a result. I’ve had many conversations with God asking “Why?” Asking, “How long?” Asking, “Will I ever move through this and be able to inhabit a body that feels safe?'“

Feeling safe in our bodies is perhaps something we don’t actively consider day to day. But many of us have relationships to our bodies that are fraught with disapproval, pain and punishment. Just look at diet culture. Look at the ways culturally, we try to manipulate both food and our bodies in an effort to “become something” different, to be acceptable, wanted, loved, or enough. To be someone who is “worthy.” We imagine that if our bodies looked or performed the way we think they “should” that our lives would be more manageable. Yet, if our relationship to our bodies is predicated on a belief that they should be different, that they are not enough, that they are not good, that they are disappointing or wrong, no amount of weight loss, sculpting, deprivation, restriction or even attempts at healing will change the underlying beliefs we have about who we are.

Cultivating safety in your body starts by cultivating safety in your mind, and your heart. It requires becoming aware of the beliefs that reside in your subconscious mind and play on repeat, so much so that they have become normalized. The first step in creating safety is listening to the body. Where is she/he holding tension, where is there discomfort or pain? Becoming curious about your internal dialogue can give you important information about what does and does not create a feeling of ease, peace, and comfort in your body. Perhaps every time you have an unkind thought about yourself that emotion shows up in a knot in your stomach or as deep fatigue or a headache. Notice the physical manifestations associated with your thought patterns. With love and compassion, begin to switch the script and speak to yourself with love, almost as a mother would to it’s child, “I am here, you are safe. You are so loved. You are good. You are beautiful.” Over time with practice and compassion you’ll begin to notice that instead of being dismayed and angry at your body, you’ll learn to cherish it, to hold it, to love, it. You will realize you have always been and will always be enough.